Today marks a small milestone. Exactly one month ago I left my home state, friends, and family of Alabama to live here in New York City. Just getting out of my complacency and coming to Times Square Church has sparked a powerful chain of events which will render my life altered forever. This may sound like an exaggeration, but I assure you it is not. God is fulfilling His promises, providing for me like never before, and humbling me like never before too! I was just telling Helen last night that God is making me more painfully aware of myself and my shortcomings. And I am becoming more convinced than ever of my need of Jesus, my savior. I cannot even pray without Him. I cannot even overcome minor irritations apart from Him. I need salvation and sanctification; and HE is my salvation and sanctification. I want to continually be thankful, no matter how I may feel about myself at the moment. It is amazing! Here are some examples of what I am talking about:
1) For the first time in five years, (and only the second time ever) I am in a courting relationship with a girl. And not just any girl, mind you. This would not be the awesome provision of God if Helen were not such a gem. She is a very dear friend and has a unique intimacy with God that I admire most of all. God tells her special things.J So I am very thankful for her and I want to praise her publically so that all of you will know. For the first time ever, my loneliness is subsiding, despite the fact that we are 900 miles away from each other.
2) I have more money than I’ve ever had. First of all, the week I left, several of the brethren donated what I consider to be an exorbitant amount of money for “my cause.” That is laughable! I’m just so blessed that anyone would even consider donating funds to me. My brother in the Lord and co-worker, Hector, and I were just recently blessed with some painting work outside the church, in Brooklyn at John and Teresa Ash’s new house. In addition to our regular hourly wage that the church pays us, Ms. Teresa also paid me, Hector, and his son extra for the work!! I asked Hector afterwards, “What do I do with this money?” I was thinking that I should get rid of it because I already have more than enough. But he gave me some good counsel: “God wants us to be generous, but He also wants us to be wise and save. Of course you should tithe off of that money, but you should save the rest because you don’t know what the Lord may have for you to do with it later. Maybe a mission trip; maybe more schooling, or a monetary donation later.” I do need to pay off my student loans, after all. I might add that God has blessed me with wise and godly co-workers. I praise God for Hector. He is a great man of prayer.
3) In addition to those things, the Lord has been exposing me and showing me what a hypocrite I am. Don’t even think for a minute that I’m about to go on a tirade of self-condemnation. This has been an answer to much prayer and the gentle discipline of the God who loves me and counts me as a son. He wants me to be sanctified. It is His will. It’s just that I am more in tune with it now. The best part about it is the renewed dependence on God that I have. I realize just how worthless and futile self-effort is. I am sensitive to every little irritation and every ounce of pride. The fact is, I don’t want to be this way (to be infected with pride), but I cannot seem to help caring so much about other people’s perception of me, and the inability to be patient, humble, and kind in the face of intimidation, judgment, correction (no matter how unnecessary I see it as), and scruples that I have, like people who talk too much and don’t listen enough, or people who make assumptions about me. These things are not merely their problem. They are primarily my problem, for it matters to God how I deal with them. Instead of snapping back a smart remark at people, or, depending on the situation, feeling the need to defend myself, I should just humble myself before God and find my identity in Him. For, you see, I seem to care more about maintaining a reputation of intelligence than I care about maintaining utter dependence on God. Some of you are rightly thinking, “Yeah, I can see how that would be the case with you.” And you’re right! I’m sick of getting agitated though, just because someone tries to tell me something that I think I already know how to do. I tell myself that I want to learn and want to be corrected if I don’t know something. Why then can’t I endure it if someone attempts to teach me something that I already know? Instead of receiving it, I take it as an insult to my intelligence, as if they are purposefully trying to make me feel stupid. But even if they are, it matters how I react to it. It matters that I do not defend myself, because if I defend myself to that person it means that I am giving them the right to judge me. I put myself on trial and set them up as judge and jury over me. But only God is our judge! If I really believed that, then I would just let God be my judge and say nothing or little in response to those who knowingly or unknowingly reproach me.
I am also convinced that the only way to have deliverance from such attitudes is to receive the holiness of God; and to receive it from Him by spending time with Him in prayer. Proverbs 9:10 says, “Knowledge of the Holy One IS understanding.” If you want to know anyone you must spend time with them. If I really want to be understanding, I must spend time getting to know God intimately. If I want to be holy as God wants me to be, then I must receive it from the Holy One. This is the only way. The flesh counts for nothing. I will never be any different if I keep striving. I can only cast myself at the feet of the Lord Jesus and ask Him to transform me into His image. He is more than willing to do that.
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